Relationships on a long rein?

I am back in my favourite Wiltshire retreat and relaxing after a fabulous coaching session with Pam of Equest Ltd who, over the past year, has helped me explore my feelings and let go of some of the anguish I have stored about the events of 2008. This evening, despite the rain outside, my gin and tonic is poured and I am feeling warm and content. Today we did a guided meditation session based on an illustrated card I had picked from an equine-themed selection. The meditation was emotional and enjoyable and you can read more about it in my blog Spirit Horse Meditation which accompanies this.

 Spirit Horse card

Prior to the meditation, I explained how I felt I was in transition both in life generally and in my business. I felt I was moving forward into a new phase where I felt more settled as a person; more capable of dealing with life's challenges and less needy of other people's support or company. And, although I had experienced feelings of loneliness at times over the past month, which isn't unusual particularly when you work from home as a freelancer, I noted that the feelings weren't as painful as they had been previously. 

I recalled a conversation I’d had with my partner Henry, not long after we had first met.  I remember he jokingly said something about me needing him - it was said in jest as he'd been helping me warm-up my horse Wilbur prior to a dressage competition. I turned to face him, and said, perhaps a bit too forcefully, ‘I don’t need you’. Not meaning to hurt his feelings, I explained, ‘I’m not with you because I need you. I’m with you because I want to be with you. I love having you in my life.’  His comment, for some reason, had clearly touched a nerve and I felt compelled to reassure him that I wasn’t with him out of desperation - I have always felt happy in my own company. 

That was almost 5 years ago now and looking back today, perhaps I was trying to convince myself rather than him. And, maybe at that time, I did need him more than I had liked to admit (note from Henry - read that as 'being stubborn'!). Keeping with the equestrian theme, I explained to Pam how in my head I visualised this as holding my friends and Henry on a very short lunge rein; frightened to let them go because I was scared of being on my own having been in a relationship for 18 years prior; I needed their reassurance. I can honestly say that I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn’t for Henry's patience, kindness and love and the support of my fabulous friends and colleagues. 

Photo courtesy of Fiona Scott-Maxwell Photography

Today, I feel much more confident about who I am and as a consequence I have let the lunge rein get  longer – not in the sense that I’m pushing people away, but in the sense that I am growing as a person and feel less needy. Of course, this change can impact the person on the other end of the rein too and either a relationship grows deeper as a consequence, which I feel is the case with Henry, or it may not survive the change.

Interestingly, when Pam and I went out to work with the horses as part of this coaching session, unwittingly, my actions reflected what we had spoken about. I'll explain more in the second installment coming soon.